I have always been passionate about books, stories and beautiful writing. Specially good books, books that tell the truth, the painful truths about humanity. Books that make me cry of sadness, and books that make me laugh with joy and happiness. Some books I cannot forget for their stories, some violent and painful, while others astonishing, memorable. Stories that do not always make me happy to be reading, because they reflect the dark and dangerous sides of life and make me want to scream for justice.
I have an even more passionate love of writing them. But lately I have found this to be some kind of a curse. Specially when I am about to start a new endeavor. There are days when I envy my friends who don’t write, for I think they are happy living their lives. Eventually things will change for me, I know. They always do. When I reach the stage when the writing is really working, when I feel really engaged with a passage, I will become so lost in it that I’ll be unaware of my real surroundings. I will be totally involved in the pictures and sounds that my words and passages evoke.
But until then, every time I sit down to write I have a great fear. A fear of discovering the real emotions and beliefs I carry inside of me. And I am anxious that if I let go, if I unleash my true self, and if I reveal my feelings and emotions I’ll create a monster that no one will approve of or like. Writing to me is an act that breaks open fear, it frees me from the state of denial that I find myself in lately. Writing heals me. But until the real writing begins, until I turn my head and fall into the story and all that thinking becomes the background to the novel writing itself, while I am still in the earlier stages, in the drafting process, that’s when all fears and doubts set in. That’s where I am alone with my dreams, my doubts, my emotions, and my ideas of life and death and my own mortality. That’s where I feel I must simply have something greater than myself to hold on to, whether it’s God, or some kind of power, or belief, karma, or dogma, or literature, or the power of love. Mainly a reason to believe that there is more to life than I have ever imagined. And I think that is what keeps me alive as a writer. The search for truth.