Do you have days when you tell yourself that you are strong and that no matter what happens on that particular day you will not let it put you down? That you will not allow anything to spoil it for you, and you will take each moment as it comes and live it accordingly. But just as you think that you have made it, something happens and you’re back to point zero. It might be a little something, like a phone call or a message or note, a bill, or an email, or something someone said, however insignificant, and yet it takes you back to that hour, that moment in time when everything changed for you. And that feeling of loss and loneliness overwhelms you, especially at night when all is said and done for the day, because as Hemingway wrote:
“It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing.”
Last night before I went to bed I remembered that I hadn’t opened the day’s mail. Yesterday had been a peaceful and nice day for me, even though I had to clean the snow on the car and drive through freezing rain at night to pick up my daughter. There was a letter from the government and when I started reading I stopped at my status and couldn’t continue.
Widowed! Now I have used that word before and use it every time someone asks me about my marital status. But coming from someone else it was just so disturbing. I went to bed feeling and thinking:
“I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.” Ernest Hemingway
I try to be strong, I try to move on, I want to move on. The old saying ‘that which doesn’t break you makes you stronger’ resonates in my mind, inside of me.
But last night as I put my head on my pillow I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do and say but didn’t have the chance to. I know and I honestly believe that when someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. You can feel their presence at times and when you least expect it. But you still wish that somehow you can hear their voice, and that they too can hear what you want to tell them, because so much has happened ever since. But you know for as long as you live you’ll carry that wish with you. In the words of Mitch Albom:
“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.”