There’s an old saying;
“Take whatever you want from life but never forget God expects you to pay one day.”
Tomorrow is father’s day. A sad day for me and my kids. I am sad because two years ago I lost my father and a year after I lost my husband and my children lost their father. My dad was old, in his early eighties when he passed away. He had lived his life and had seven grandchildren. When my husband passed away in his fifties, his death overshadowed my father’s. He was young and had so much to do for his family, his kids and himself. He left behind so many unaccomplished dreams.
I know I should be grateful for the time we had together. And I am. Except that for all those years that we lived in Dubai we never celebrated father’s day. It was just not in the culture, at least not when we were living there. Neither did we celebrate it in Lebanon back then. It was only when we moved to Canada that we started. Ironically though, in the thirty years that we were married we only had one real father’s day celebration: the first year we were here. After that our life and everything in it seemed to take a downfall.
André Gide wrote:
“One must choose. The chief thing is to know what one wants. Of the thousand forms of life, each of us can know but one…. Happiness won’t come to one ready-made; it has to be made to measure.”
I guess our payback day had come somewhat early. What is left is a new us. We will never be the same again, or see the world as we once did. It’s like with our loss has come yet another loss, that of innocence. We have come to realize that life is not what it seems to be. And that something like this can happen to us and has happened. And as a consequence we are more vulnerable and sad now.
And on this father’s day, it will be exactly seven months since his passing. Lots have happened since then. And with each day we feel his loss more and more. We long for his presence here with us more than anything in the world. There’s an emptiness in me, in us, that will never be replaced no matter what. And on this day I cannot help but think of all the dads that are not in this world anymore. I think of the dads who are away from their families serving their country or working their butts off somewhere far away in order to provide a better life for their kids.
And on this day I cannot help but be grateful for the life we (the kids and I) had with him, for the love I knew, for the joy he brought into our lives. And tomorrow father’s day should be a day of gratitude for the three of us and we will celebrate his life with tears in our eyes and an empty heart. For the legacy he left us in the short time that he was with us is far greater than any we have known so far. In the words of Jean Paul Sartre:
“There is a future that lies beyond death and that almost turns death into an accident in the individual’s life, a life that goes on without him.”
Happy father’s day my darling. I like to believe you’re up there somewhere watching over us.