Two weeks ago I said goodbye to my mother who went home after a visit of almost two and a half months. She went back to her home in Lebanon. My mother is old and has a lot of health problems, but she still came all the way to be with me, and my children, to console us after our loss. It wasn’t easy for her to travel all that distance, especially in these troubled times when the entire region of the Middle East is in political turmoil. But for her our loss and pain was so great that she had to be with us, to give us all the moral support we needed.
“When two people part, it’s always worse for the one who has to stay behind.” Lady Eleanor Smith
I have always lived physically away from my extended family. But at the same time we have always been close. And it wasn’t different when my husband died. The support they have poured on me until now is so overwhelming. I am forever grateful to my brothers, my aunts and uncles for their unconditional love and continuous phone calls. They have been there for me every step of the way. To know that you’re surrounded by people who love you no matter what is a true blessing.
Goodbyes are always painful and my heart feels heavy with the pain of loss. In two days it is my wedding anniversary, our wedding anniversary. It would have been our thirtieth this year. How can I celebrate togetherness when there is none?
June and July are months of anniversaries and birthdays. Thirty-two years ago in June we got engaged. And thirty years ago in July we got married. Our daughter was born on a hot June day in Dubai and our son came to this world three years later in July. So during these two months the sadness feels sadder and the loneliness deeper. To quote Jack Kerouac:
“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
And while my heart feels the pain of loss, I cannot help but think of the facts of that day, recalling the minutest details. And always, always thinking that there might have been something we could have done differently that day. And I am left with nothing but the pain of remembering the pain.
And on this anniversary I would like to think and believe that we are somehow somewhere together, just like Lady Eleanor Smith said when she wrote:
“When people have been as close as we have, for so many years, surely death can’t really mean that the candles blown out? You and I – Well, I’m prepared to swear that, whichever one of us dies first, we’ll always in some way we don’t understand, be together.”
Happy anniversary my darling. May you rest in peace.