I Must Go On, I Can’t Go On, I Will Go On


Once again I have come at a crossroads in my life. Do I go on doing what I do for the benefit of others? Or do I for once quit, turn the corner and start a new page. For me there always has been two worlds. The one I dream about and the real one. In the real world, I am a teacher, a wife, a mother. In the dream world I’m still the wife, the mother, but I’m not the teacher. What is important though is I know that something has reached its end for me.

Lately I have started to believe in signs too. The signs might have always been there but I had been too young, too ignorant to look around, to take notice. God! When I think of all the things I could have done and yet somehow I never did! All the opportunities I let slip by! All the friendships that I let fade away due to my displacements. All the loved ones I lost over the years. The life I could have had but don’t because of the choices I made. But what were the right choices? When you are young you think you are on the top of the world, you can conquer it, you think you know it all. But still, even though I have lost some things in life, other things were given to me, and for that I am forever grateful. I strongly believe whatever happens to us happens for a reason.

After moving to Montreal four and a half years ago, and after getting my equivalences for my degrees from the government, I started to teach mathematics and physics to seniors in a private school. I was happy. It was a new start for me in a new country. I had plans for my career. It was time for me to even pursue higher education. But I experienced something I never dared or imagined or even wanted to experience. And as a consequence, after two years of teaching I had to quit and stay home to attend to the more important matter at hand. Angry, disappointed and mostly frightened, I did not know what to do at first. All I knew was I had to go on. Just like the king in The King’s Speech;

“I must go on; I can’t go on; I will go on.”

After many sleepless nights and much speculation I came to realize that what really matters for me at this stage in my life is what I do with what I have. Maybe this is a sign, could be my fate, and as such I was offered the chance to make the best possible decision. So now it is time for me to close the door and leave in the past that part of my life that is over. Even if it hurts I have to let go. And as Ivan Turgenev said;

“If we wait for the moment when everything absolutely everything is ready we shall never begin.”

ChK

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