“Fight, fight. That Is Life.”


Oscar Wilde wrote:

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”

When I was young and still in school I was such an idealist. I very much believed what I read and I thought I knew it all. I had dreams, like everyone else. I had my family, my friends, I was pursuing an education and, quoting Oscar Wilde:

“With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?”

Little did I know that everything around me would change overnight. The place where I lived turned into some kind of hell when the country plunged into civil war, long before I even entered university. I felt frightened, I was confused. I couldn’t dream anymore. With chaos and destruction everywhere in the country I was not happy. It was not possible to have future plans. I was not free anymore. Nothing prepared me for this. Education didn’t teach me what to do when I was held at gunpoint by some militiamen intoxicated by some dogma, or even alcohol and drugs. It didn’t prepare me for the moment when I faced death in the eye. Education didn’t teach me how to feel or behave when, after spending a whole night in the basement-turned shelter of my residence taking cover from bombs that were falling sporadically in my neighborhood, I woke up to find out that my neighbor didn’t make it. And that my friend who survived the bombs had his brain blown out by some lunatic with a gun who had entered to rob his shop. Education didn’t prepare me for all the evil in this world. I started to doubt that a human being is evil by nature and;

“This is what I believe: That I am I. That my soul is a dark forest. That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest. That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back. That I must have the courage to let them come and go. That I will never let mankind put anything over me, but that I will try always to recognize and submit to the gods in me and the gods in other men and women. There is my creed.” D.H. Lawrence

When frightened and in despair I always turn to prayer.

“Just then she heard gunshots. But this time it was different. So much cruelty she thought, was too much for anyone to bear. She raised her head and looked towards the ceiling. Her chin held up, eyes moist with tears she prayed hard. She prayed for her husband’s safe return.” The Lost I

All these years my faith has remained strong. It is what has helped me through all these years. I seldom go to church anymore even though I believe firmly. News and stories about some priests in the church sexually abusing little boys disturbed me a lot. Articles about parents, family members and friends, teachers and coaches abusing children. People who are supposed to be their protectors, their guardians. I thought then:

“It is a fine thing to establish one’s own religion in one’s heart, not to be dependent on tradition and second-hand ideals. Life will seem to you, later, not a lesser, but a greater thing.” D.H. Lawrence

I spent years trying to understand peoples’ behavior. I got upset if a friend lied to me or didn’t keep a promise. I asked questions about my existence, my life only to realize that;

“Life can be magnificent and overwhelming — that is the whole tragedy. Without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live.” Albert Camus

I spent my entire life like most people, searching, for the truth, for perfection, for happiness, for wealth, for peace, for love, for magic, for that special something, only to realize that:

“Love is never a fulfillment. Life is never a thing of continuous bliss. There is no paradise. Fight and laugh and feel bitter and feel bliss: and fight again. Fight, fight. That is life.” D.H. Lawrence

ChK

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