I Will Lose Them Forever

Yet another year has reached its end. And our hearts are filled with new hope once again, hope for a better year, or a better something. In the words of Alfred Tennyson:

Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” 

A new year, new resolutions, new ideas to make our life better. The common conception is that we should learn from our past experiences. That all those good things or bad things that happened to some of us last year happened for a reason so that we can learn our lesson and move forward.

“Lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step.” Paolo Coelho

How can someone be ready to lose a loved one? All our lives we work hard in pursuit of something, to follow some sort of a plan, like getting an education, a job, a home, a family. We are busy accumulating things, experiences, memories. But somewhere along the way when we lose that which is the dearest and nearest to us, we become so sad and unhappy and in the words of Leo Tolstoy:

“All happy families are like one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

I am unhappy because I lost my significant other. My kids are unhappy because they lost their father. Ever since then I look at things and people differently. I search for answers, I speculate, I wonder, I play a million different scenarios in my mind. I try to understand what happened, I try to find the meaning of life, my life, our life as a family but to no avail. As Albert Camus wrote:

“You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”


Then I stop. I realize that I can never go back and make things the way they were. That I cannot live in the past. That I have to grasp and acknowledge when something has reached its end. And that I have to let go. In the words of Paolo Coelho:

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

Sometimes when the going gets tough and I can’t do anything but grieve, on those days it becomes hard to face a new day. And then I see my children, I hear their voices, two wonderful and beautiful human beings, and I realize that they need me now more than anything and anyone in this world. I get courage and wipe my tears and promise myself to:

“…try to enjoy all the graces that God has given me today. Grace cannot be hoarded. There are no banks where it can be deposited to be used when I feel more at peace with myself. If I do not make full use of these blessings, I will lose them forever.” Paolo Coelho

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2 Responses to I Will Lose Them Forever

  1. combs2jc says:

    I have read your post several times today. I wrote a comment once, and I assume it is still floating around in the ether somewhere. I will try again and I will try to be short.
    I do the usual things everyone does at the end of the year. Then I take my time to remember the people I am leaving behind. That is my way of accepting it. Like that neat little village we have all visited (and may have even wished to live in), but we know when we leave we will never return again. It is not to be, it is not in our destiny.
    I have two beautiful daughters, the youngest is the joy of my heart. Her older sister, Alexandra, is my precious first born. Alexandra is the one that taught me so very much about life, and I am a better dad because of her. Alexandra is in one of those villages, the year 2005.
    No ticket master can sell me a ticket back to that village, but she is still in my heart. She would want me to enjoy life, be the best dad I can to her little sister, and above all, she would want me to be happy.
    I wish I could tell you that one day all the pain will be gone, but I can’t. I can tell you that tomorrow will be easier than today, and it will. Though there are still times when my heart aches for my little girl and the tears come. There are so many things I wanted to do with and for my little angel, so many things I wanted to give her, but I can’t. The only gift left that I can give to Alexandra is my happiness, it is what she would have wanted. So, for my little angel I am happy with life and try to find the little joys that surround us all.
    My hope for you and your children in this new year is comfort, peace, and joy. May God bless and keep you all, as I keep you in my prayers.

    • chichikir says:

      Thank you.
      I am so sorry for your loss and what you’ve been through. No parent should go through the pain of burying a child. But then again you put it so beautifully, the neat little village that we were not destined to live in. I am still trying to learn to continue and be happy, especially when my kids are around. I know my husband would want me to. But there comes a time during the day when it’s too quiet….

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