I was watching Oprah on George Stroumboulopoulos the other night when she said something about death that made me think. She said she believes that when someone dies he/she dies for a reason. There is a reason, a purpose in every death. All these years I have always thought and believed that everything that happens in life happens for a reason, but to think that even death happens for a reason was something new to me.
Until that moment I liked to believe that everyone served a purpose in this world and death was the final thing. I couldn’t see any reason in someone’s death other than the fact that his/her role in life was over. And for that reason I always wondered about the purpose of young children dying of famine or during senseless fighting. About the purpose of innocent people living constantly in fear of losing their lives or the lives of their loved ones. About the purpose of all the atrocities performed against innocent humans in the name of justice or whatever name people choose to give it. People of all ages, innocent human beings are always being killed all around the world for some reason or another.
When my late husband was fighting cancer, many times I had wondered what if the treatment wouldn’t work for him and he died. And yet when it actually happened and he passed away it came both as a surprise and shock for me. And as Lemony Snicket said:
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
It is that one more step ahead. That step in the dark to readjust my thoughts and my life accordingly. The idea of facing life and old age, if I live to be old, all alone. Try as I might to see the purpose for his death I cannot find it.
Throughout all these years I haven’t been scared to climb any stair in the dark, or to take any step forward, or plunge into the future, because I have had someone to hold my hand and share my dreams with. Now that he is gone I feel I don’t have the stamina to face life alone. I know that I have to continue. Deep in my heart I know that I cannot find peace by avoiding life. And I know that whether I like it or not I have to get used to it. But that’s the thing. In the words of Sarah Dessen:
“You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.”