The other day, having had it with whatever has happened to me and my current situation, I decided that it’s about time to do something about it. The first thing that came to my mind was to go back to school and teach. Anytime the idea of surrounding myself with teenagers again is compelling to me. They are so full of life and dreams and I thought that is what I need right now. But then again, I quit teaching in 2009 to be with my then sick husband. I also resigned from taking some courses at the time to further my education. Somehow taking care of my family became a priority (which it always was and has been with me).
The more I thought about it the more hesitant I became. True I love to teach but do I really have the patience now after all these years spent at hospitals? Here I am alone with my two kids, with no current job, with no experience, with not enough background knowledge in any field other than teaching. I hadn’t thought or prepared myself for this day. The only thing that I could do during those years was read and write, and only for the main reason of keeping my sanity. Now when all that is behind me and my husband is gone, in the words of Dr. Seuss:
“I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone.”
I am so grateful for having known what true love is and having shared my life with such a great man as my late husband. Of course it would have been perfect if none of this happened but as Dr. Seuss said:
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Now the one thing I learned about life is that it goes on no matter what. That I can either spend the rest of it in misery feeling sorry for myself or do something about it. And that no matter how much I cry nothing will bring back my husband, nor make things be the way they once were. No matter how great my loss is at the moment and how deep my sorrow is, to think of all the things that I can still do and all the lives that I can still live if I can stop feeling sorry for myself, makes my bones ache. So what if I stopped teaching for a while? So what if I didn’t take those courses I wanted to take? Does it really matter?
Dr. Seuss wrote:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
If only I can stop dwelling on lost opportunities and dreams. Because today I am me. There is no one alive who is me. If only I can think and try!