Man Has Places In His Heart


Yesterday was Valentine’s day. A day to celebrate love and your loved ones. I thought it would be easy for me to commemorate it by writing my feelings down and sharing them with my readers. But first I woke up with a terrible headache. I hadn’t slept the night before, seeing all the advertisements on TV, on the internet, in various shops. And secondly, the more I thought about it, the more painful it became for me to even write a single word. Léon Bloy wrote:

“Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering in order that they may have existence.”

My heart is full of memories and there is no peace and comfort in my present situation. To me comfort:

“Is like the wrong memory at the wrong place or time.” Graham Greene

When I’m hurt there is so much going on inside me that sometimes it makes it hard to think and write. And I have to somehow detach myself from the pain, from the situation to be able to express my feelings. Yesterday when I realized that I won’t be able to put anything down on paper, nor be able to read, I decided to sit in the car and drive around. Bad idea!

“So it always is: when you escape to a desert the silence shouts in your ear.” Graham Greene

I returned from my excursion more depressed than before. See my late husband, may he rest in peace, had this thing about Valentine’s. Regardless of how we (he and I) chose to celebrate it, he used to take my son when he was very young to the stores so that he would buy Valentine gifts for his sister and myself, until my son was old enough to do it himself. The gift wouldn’t be something big, but a simple token, an appreciation of love between husband and wife, sister and brother, mother, father, son and daughter. With him gone, none of us had the heart to keep up this old habit.

Rose

Why is it then in misery we seem to be more aware of our own existence? In our unhappiness we realize what was taken from us and what we are missing from our lives. Strange enough the sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. I know my pain is individual, this mind that flinches belongs to me and to no other. And I don’t like to whine and moan endlessly, but on some days it’s so hard to get by. It’s just that, forgive me if I have mentioned it before:

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” Graham Greene

ChK

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6 Responses to Man Has Places In His Heart

  1. klyse3 says:

    You do not whine at all…..your pain is in no way unreasonable, nor is the sharing of it. Writing should be shared, whatever the emotion. I know that your writing makes it easier for me to look past my own pain to yours, and by extension, others. That is a gift you are giving each of your readers and I thank you for it. My heart and prayers were certainly with you yesterday and will continue to be.

  2. adelnehmeh says:

    I used to think that creative arts, writing, drawing, composing, singing or whatever other form of art was a result of a special talent, given to an individual that he/she discovers.

    As life started molding me and exposing itself more, I discovered that all these artists are simply expressing a thought, an idea, an emotion or simply a dream. The means will differ but it is simply an expression. The stronger that notion or emotion, the more determined and more creative they an be.

    I too ask myself, how do the majority of people out there make it without expressing it one way or another. With no judgement, I simply see that they do not listen to themselves enough, they do not have enough awareness to listen to that silent voice deep within, converse with it, and maybe even express it in one way or another.

    Sometimes I wish I could be like them, distracted, shutting off all receptors, but then again, I am glad I am not. This is what life comes down to in the end….

    • chichikir says:

      Adel I think we all write because we have a story to tell or something to say, the same way “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Maya Angelou

  3. combs2jc says:

    Do not ever apologize for expressing your feelings, more people need to do that. Also, you will never know how many people will be feeling as you do, come across your words, read them, and realize YOU just put their emotions to words when they believed no one could (even themselves). Just the simple act of realizing you are not alone and someone else has felt, and manage to put to words, how you feel is more than 1,000 therapists could ever do for someone.
    Though you may not feel like it, you are doing great and your husband would be proud of you.
    So many people go through this world searching for the love you and your husband shared, but they never find it. You days will get easier, not in the next hour, not in the next day, but one day.
    There was a time when I thought I would never be able to smile or laugh again. I still carry my daughter around with me, but I try to live the life I know she would want for her daddy. My life will never be the same again, but I do smile and from time to time I even laugh again.
    Peace to you.

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