Perhaps I Must Accept Defeat

Last night was one of those nights again when all my courage left me and try hard as I could sleep wouldn’t come. I lay awake wishing and praying that the night would pass and wondering if it never would. And on nights like this I wonder if I shall ever get over this feeling of blank hopelessness. And on nights like this a strong feeling of loss overwhelms me. Loss of interest in the world around me.

These last four months have been dark, kind of confusing and nightmarish for me. I can barely remember how I made it on some days. Everything I loved and love, everything I lived for, worked for, prayed for, seems to be slipping away from me. And on nights like last night I begin to feel perhaps after all I must accept defeat because I find it extremely hard to be brave. Yet I know that I have to keep up appearances somehow at all costs, and must do something to change my present conditions of life if I am going to have any personality left that is worth having.

No More

Sometimes I feel that I am becoming quite an impossible person nowadays. Maybe one day I shall be better when I will be able to remember the sweetness of having him in my life without the agony of losing him. I know no matter what our love will always be the ruling factor in my life. He is to me and to our children the ‘unsung hero’. Sometimes I wonder how ever I am going to get through the remainder of my life without him.

For the past few weeks I have worked myself into a nervous frenzy because I cannot make up my mind whether to go back to teaching or not. Part of me wants to return to my normal even though I feel that I am less blindly optimistic and confident than I was before. And yet somehow I have to preserve my self respect. I know I must preserve my self-respect – preserve at all costs the self which he loved and I have lost. Bertrand Russell writes:

“To be defeated by one loss or even several is not something to be admired as a proof of sensibility, but something to be deplored as a failure in vitality. All our affections are at the mercy of death, which may strike down those whom we love at any moment. It is therefore necessary that our lives should not have that narrow intensity which puts the whole meaning and purpose of our life at the mercy of accident.”


This entry was posted in Ramblings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Perhaps I Must Accept Defeat

  1. words4jp says:

    i had the same night – I am trying to maintain my composure – my friend died unexpectedly last year – on the 18th and i found him on the 19th and i cannot stop reliving all of these emotions and memories. everything changed – there was no notice, no nothing. I saw him one day alive and the next gone. i keep having those pictures in my mind and i am trying so hard to just get over these next two days. it really hurts.

  2. combs2jc says:

    There are better quotes from Russell. You are doing great. You cannot have good days every day, none of us can. But that does not mean a bad day or a bad night is the end. You put one foot in front of the other, sat down on your computer, and put your thoughts to words. See? You are really doing good!
    The 18 months was the hardest for me. You will get better. You are doing great, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And on those days when you can’t … don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow will be a new day, and the slate will be clean. Tomorrow will be a day of endless possiblities, but only if you adventure out to embrace the day.
    Take care of yourself my friend. You are doing great!

    • chichikir says:

      Thank you JOE! You have been so encouraging and supportive despite your pain and what you have been through. I can’t thank you enough. Sometimes on days that I think I am doing okay something happens and I just 😦

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s