Last night was one of those nights again when all my courage left me and try hard as I could sleep wouldn’t come. I lay awake wishing and praying that the night would pass and wondering if it never would. And on nights like this I wonder if I shall ever get over this feeling of blank hopelessness. And on nights like this a strong feeling of loss overwhelms me. Loss of interest in the world around me.
These last four months have been dark, kind of confusing and nightmarish for me. I can barely remember how I made it on some days. Everything I loved and love, everything I lived for, worked for, prayed for, seems to be slipping away from me. And on nights like last night I begin to feel perhaps after all I must accept defeat because I find it extremely hard to be brave. Yet I know that I have to keep up appearances somehow at all costs, and must do something to change my present conditions of life if I am going to have any personality left that is worth having.
Sometimes I feel that I am becoming quite an impossible person nowadays. Maybe one day I shall be better when I will be able to remember the sweetness of having him in my life without the agony of losing him. I know no matter what our love will always be the ruling factor in my life. He is to me and to our children the ‘unsung hero’. Sometimes I wonder how ever I am going to get through the remainder of my life without him.
For the past few weeks I have worked myself into a nervous frenzy because I cannot make up my mind whether to go back to teaching or not. Part of me wants to return to my normal even though I feel that I am less blindly optimistic and confident than I was before. And yet somehow I have to preserve my self respect. I know I must preserve my self-respect – preserve at all costs the self which he loved and I have lost. Bertrand Russell writes:
“To be defeated by one loss or even several is not something to be admired as a proof of sensibility, but something to be deplored as a failure in vitality. All our affections are at the mercy of death, which may strike down those whom we love at any moment. It is therefore necessary that our lives should not have that narrow intensity which puts the whole meaning and purpose of our life at the mercy of accident.”