Exactly five months have passed since we put you to rest. Not a moment has passed since then that I haven’t missed you. Not a night has gone by that I haven’t cried myself to sleep. May you rest in peace my darling. You left us too soon.
That was my status on Facebook yesterday. I wanted to say more. But when I am in pain I cannot write. I can only write about things that touch my soul and right now I carry this sadness in my soul, it’s deep within. I would like very much to get somewhere with that emotion. But there is nothing I can say. There is nothing I can write. Tears, pain, crying, despair that cannot be stopped nor reasoned with. And on days like this I can only put words on my page. Words expressing my emotions. Words that once written could immediately help leave the feelings behind… or so I wish.
Losing someone you love and you have shared most of your life and dreams with is hard. I don’t know. And I’m not saying that I’m unhappy all the time. I have fun, I adore my kids. I am passionate about my writing and my books. Yet now and then, I feel like this deep sadness, occasionally mingled with feelings of regret, of guilt and of fear. The feeling goes away, but always comes back later on, and then drifts off again. It’s like I live in an on and off state.
I feel sorry for him for having his life cut short without having realized his dreams. I remember once during one of his doctor’s appointment, when we were waiting in the reception he told me, “Wouldn’t it be nice to accompany each other to the clinic even at an old age?” And I told him, “You wish for us to get old together to visit the doctor only?” We laughed and I got scared that day in the reception. I wondered what was going on in his mind. But then what goes on in the minds of cancer patients? Who can tell?
And now as I face the future alone, even though from the outside everything seems normal with my life, beneath the surface lies this unknown, this darkness, this feeling of loneliness. I realize that I am utterly alone. The feeling that the person who meant the world to me and to whom I meant the world is not there anymore to share thoughts and dreams with the way I used to is so cruel and depressing.
What makes it even harder to get through these moments is the realization that no one cares whether I exist or not. That no one is interested in what I have to say. And that the world can continue turning without my awkward presence, because when I am alone it’s as if I am no longer part of the human race. For you only really matter to the ones you love.
As Paolo Coelho writes:
“People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”