If I Have To Be Alone

The other day I met up with an old friend in the food court of a busy shopping mall here in Montreal. I usually avoid the food court area of shopping malls, especially on a Saturday afternoon because of the crowd. I hadn’t seen my friend for over two decades and when she suggested we meet at the food court I agreed without any hesitation. On the assigned day, at the appointed time, I walked through the crowd to where my friend was sitting without feeling the slightest discomfort. Jodi Picoult writes:

“Did you ever walk through a room that’s packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?”


Any other day, I would have been so uncomfortable walking through such a crowd. But on that particular afternoon despite the people I could hardly feel anything. Is it because:

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn’t be filled?” Jodi Picoult

Lately I don’t know who I am anymore. I try hard to find meaning in the things I do. I do my best to meet with old friends and make new ones and try to be among people so I won’t feel that lonely. But at the end of the day I go to bed regretting my actions. My heart feels so empty that I can hardly recognize myself. Arthur Miller wrote:

“If I have to be alone I want to be by myself.” 

But I don’t know who I am anymore. Did I lose myself with him? Then why am I trying to become what I don’t want to be? When all I want to be or do is continue the way I was. Why am I trying to fill my life with things I don’t like to do? Why am I lost? Even though from the outside I may look the same, sort of intact, I am never quite the same as before. I have tried to put myself together. God knows I have. But all I can do:

“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.”  Arthur Miller

I go back to that day, to the time when it happened. I try to find the meaning in what happened. Why it happened. I spend sleepless nights regretting the things I didn’t do, we didn’t do together. I spend my days thinking about life and death and love and all. Only to realize that:

“Life, woman, life is God’s most precious gift; no principle, however glorious, may justify the taking of it.” Arthur Miller


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One Response to If I Have To Be Alone

  1. It may seem impossible, but you should try to put aside regrets of what you DIDN’T do together and focus on all the things you DID. Remember the good times, relish in the happiness you shared. Try not to be sad that those moments are gone. Be glad that you had those wonderful times together. 🙂

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