Yesterday was the eight month anniversary of my husband’s death. I dread the 16th of every month and yesterday was no different. Eight months have passed since we said goodbye to him yet I find it hard to believe and accept. How can someone so full of life, so full of love and dreams be taken away from us on such short notice?
How can I go on knowing that the only person that mattered most to me is not here anymore? He will never be here anymore? Albert Einstein wrote:
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
What balance when part of me, a good part of me, doesn’t want to go on? I dread the lonely days to come. I dread the cold and long winter alone. Do I go on or do I quit? Deep in my heart I know that something has reached its end for me. God! When I think of all the things I could have done and yet somehow I never did! All the opportunities I let slip by! All the friendships that I let fade away due to my displacements. The life I could have had but don’t because of the choices I made. All the loved ones I lost over the years, the greatest loss of all being my husband’s.
Would I have felt this way if he weren’t my best friend, my better half, my soul mate? I cannot tell. But right now, in my life:
“Yes, in my life, since we must call it so, there were three things, the inability to speak, the inability to be silent, and solitude, that’s what I’ve had to make the best of.” Samuel Beckett
Right now I am still sad and mad and angry and yet I can’t speak, nor can I keep silent. My anger is what keeps me from writing too. And on most days I prefer to be alone with my solitude and do nothing but read and read and read. That’s what I do on most days. Just lose myself in books until it is time for my kids to come home. That’s when I realize that I still have two wonderful human beings in my life. And that they need me now more than anything or anyone in the world. And that’s when I know that I have to be there for them. And that is reason enough for me to go on. Just like Samuel Beckett wrote;
“I must go on; I can’t go on; I will go on.”
It hits me then that what really matters for me at this stage in my life is what I do with what I have. And sooner or later the time will come for me to close the door and leave in the past that part of my life that is over. Even if it hurts I have to somehow let go but never forget. As Ivan Turgenev said;
“If we wait for the moment when everything absolutely everything is ready we shall never begin.”