As much as I hate to complain and whine, I feel that that’s what I am doing lately. Complaining! When I first woke up today morning and held my pen in my hand I wanted to change that. Enough of that I told myself. Enough talk about sadness and emptiness and loneliness. Life is not about all that.
And then I spent the rest of the morning thinking of what to put on paper to be fair with myself, with my feelings and emotions and thoughts and at the same time not cheat on my readers. If I write that I am happy and looking forward to a future full of promises, who am I kidding. The prospect of another icy cold Montreal winter alone repels me. And the hope of finding a job after a long absence is even scarier.
See I started teaching way before I even entered university. Teaching is what I do best. But now, with everything going on in my life I don’t think I can tolerate being in front of a group of teenagers. I desperately need a job for all kinds of reasons. For the security it will provide me, whether financial, social or psychological. I need to feel needed. I need to feel that I still have lots to give even outside of my family and home.
But with all my pain and mood swings (which I even wrote about in my last blog), I think it would be best for me if I do something, some kind of clerical work to minimize human contact as much as possible. I don’t know if that’s normal or even possible given my experience and background and knowledge. As I mentioned earlier the only thing I am good at is teaching and perhaps writing.
I would like very much to believe that I am a good writer too even though I do not make a living from my writing, and never have made. The satisfaction and pleasure writing gives me is enough to carry me through the rest of my days. But since writing reflects reality and my reality is anything but good now the more I write, the more I get submerged into loneliness and depression and I do not want to do that.
Fernando Pessoa wrote:
“Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life.”
And ignoring life is not what I would like to do. So what’s next?