It’s one of those mornings again when I can’t decide on what to write without the fear of repetition. When I have so many thoughts and ideas cooking in my head and yet I can’t pick one and stick to it. Writer’s block, definitely. Or perhaps the fact that I write and write and write and then what? Besides the only thing that I feel right now is my pain, my sorrow. And I don’t like, nor do I want to whine and moan anymore. And if I choose to write about something else then I am afraid my story will be missing the point, the connection, the emotional power. There’s an old saying about fiction:
“If there are no tears in the writer, there will be no tears in the reader.”
I am not saying that my days are all bad. No. I have my good days and my bad days. I could be determinedly energetic for days on end. Just when I feel that normal life is almost possible, just when I sense some kind of order, some meaning in this world, some small thing goes wrong and my mask of optimism is torn away. And then, I find myself crying and unable to stand and all I want to do is hunch on the sofa worn out and red eyed and do nothing. Just wait. There is no cure, there is no answer, there is no compensation. I just wait those times out.
Trying to get through that moment, I just sit and wait and think. Only to discover in the process that there is nothing worse than feeling that no one cares whether I exist or not, that no one is interested in what I have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without my presence.
Eckhart Tolle wrote:
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
And I sit and think. And slowly and gradually I become aware of my thoughts. Then gradually in my mind I try to separate my thoughts from the situation. Whatever happened just happened. Whatever I lost I’ll never gain back. It is what it is, period. And then bit by bit I make a mental list of all the things I still have in my life. I make a list of all that I am blessed with. I acknowledge the fact that I had lived my dream while it lasted. And even though it was cut short, I had gotten farther than most people are lucky enough to get. And inch by inch my optimism returns and I am hopeful again.
“Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life – and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” Eckhart Tolle