During a conversation with a friend the other day I told her that I wanted to do something with my life and that I wanted a change and that I desperately needed a change. I realized afterwards that it was the first time I was admitting it even to myself. Up until that moment, when a friend or someone asked me or told me that I should do something I used to say yes but at the same time I would get angry and upset inside.
Change: alteration- modification- variation- transformation- revolution- conversion- adjustment- amendment- difference.
I don’t want any major change, I don’t want any alteration or transformation in the way things are. Just a simple adjustment, some little thing that will make a difference in my life. All the time, all these months I spent lately thinking and speculating, I realized that there’s a difference between missing him and wanting nothing to change. They aren’t the same thing. Because things always change. Wouldn’t things be changing now if my dearest husband were alive?
All that time I spent thinking and wanting to know what went wrong. I still think about what went wrong. But there isn’t really an answer to that question. So much of the world is governed by chance no matter what we do to change the course of our life. No matter how hard we try to give direction to our life, circumstances here and there would force us to change even that. It would only take one wrong turn to undo all that we have done. We can’t do anything about either one. All we can do is try to accept it and move on, no matter how painful that is.
“That was how it was sometimes. You put yourself in front of the thing and waited for whatever was going to happen and that was all. It scared you and it didn’t matter. You stood and faced it. There was no outwitting anything. It was not a morbid thought, just the world as it existed. Sometimes you looked the thing in the eye and it turned away. Sometimes it didn’t.” David Roblewski