Lost In Reading

Of the novels that I have read lately, in almost every one of them someone close to the main character (the hero or heroine) dies of cancer at a very young age. In real life most of the people I know have someone in their family sick with cancer. Which makes me wonder. Throughout all these centuries, perhaps medically, technologically and scientifically ours is the most advanced. And yet I can’t help but ask, is cancer the new epidemic?

For almost a year now I have done nothing with my life except try to come to terms with my loss. And to do that I have lost myself in reading. Whereas before I was more selective in my choice of books to read, lately I have tried to just simply read. In the beginning of my journey to recovery whenever I came across the word cancer or death in a book I stopped reading and moved on to a new one. Sort of sought happier subjects and themes to read about.

But last week I went back to all those books that I had put aside and started to read them again. I guess at some point I became curious to find out how the author dealt with the situation. And of course with every book that I read I felt and identified with the characters and their pain. I cried with them. I even cried when they did not cry. And somehow believe it or not through all this process I found my inner peace.

Eckhart Tolle wrote:

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” 


I don’t know if this makes sense but I realized that although I lost my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate, I did not lose my love. The love we had, the life we shared together made me the person I am today. And because of that I am not empty, I am blessed. In the words of Eckhart Tolle:

“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.” 

True that his loss has changed my perspective about life. There is no doubt that my entire world has changed and that there is a huge hole in my heart that no one can fill. That sometimes when I look around I still wish that he will appear from somewhere and that I will hear his voice again calling my name. And when that doesn’t happen it hurts so much. The emptiness that surrounds me is so big. But when I think that I have known and carried such love inside of me for almost thirty five years I feel so not empty. I feel blessed and hope that as Eckhart Tolle wrote:

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 


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