“The only way to keep things slow was to watch everything and do nothing! You could stretch a day to three days, sure just by watching.” Ray Bradbury
‘Watching’ is what I have done for almost a year now. Sit and watch and let the days and weeks and months pass. No wonder I feel that it has been a very long and almost endless year. A year that I didn’t think would pass. And every time someone asked me if I was doing anything with myself the only answer I would give them would go like, “Not exactly”, “not now”, “later”, “let this year pass first”, etc.
A year has passed and I basically have not looked around anywhere except my heart. And in my heart I have found nothing but uncontrollable feelings and emotions. I have gone from shock to frustration to real anger. From hatred, to redemption, to feeling sorry for him, for myself. And then the biggest of them all, the will to fear. To fear the future and what it holds for me. The fear of getting back in the real world again.
Right now my world, the world that I live in, is so abnormal and lonely. I honestly don’t know how to get out of it. Because right now as much as I want to get back on my feet, to get back into the real world, I feel there is a wall standing between me and the rest of the world. I can be in a room full of people and yet feel lonely and disconnected. And the only person that can bring that connection back is gone forever.
But what I fear most is the shattering of my belief system. My loss of hope and the start of some kind of cynicism within myself. Do I rebuild a new belief system now? Do I go on believing that everything is going to be okay? Is there any belief system that has room for the realities of life and yet offers safety and hope for a different kind of existence?
Every day I promise myself that I will go out there and do something with my life. Volunteer or work or I don’t know what. I go to bed promising myself that tomorrow is the day that I will make change happen. Come morning I chicken out and I am back to where I was the day before. And then I think and wonder and look for answers and try to find the truth.
“Whatever happened to happy endings?”
“They got them on shows at Saturday matinees.”
“Sure, but what about life?”
“All I know is I feel good going to bed nights, Doug. That’s a happy ending once a day. Next morning I’m up and maybe things go bad. But all I got to do is remember that I’m going to bed that night and just lying there a while makes everything okay.” Ray Bradbury