Lately I have been doodling with the idea of a story in my mind for quite some time now. Every night I go to bed promising myself that the next morning I will sit at my desk and jot down everything I have so far about it (the story) on my page. Come next morning I get so busy doing everything else rather than write it.
I spend hours rearranging the shelves in my library, tidying the papers and notebooks on my desk. I write an article for my blog. I fill my pens with colorful ink, scribble with them on different colored paper.
I do anything and everything except work on my story, believing to use Brenda Ueland’s words:
“So you see, imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering.”
But I think the true reason behind all this is my fear of the unknown. Maybe I feel safer this way. Maybe because now I know for certain that I am unhappy, the more so because I am not writing as much as I should or want to. Maybe I am afraid to commit to a life of uncertainty. Sure I would be the happiest to forget everything else that goes on in my life and be on a date with my imagination and my pen for as long as it takes. And I am all for it.
But that won’t help pay my bills at the end of the month, nor will it buy food for my kids. So I ask myself if I am fully creative, what will it mean? What will happen to me and my family, now that I have full responsibility. When faced with everyday reality I feel blocked by my sub-conscience. It isn’t supposed to be this way. I know. But then I won’t know if I don’t try will I?
At other times I even have a sort of a mantra that I keep repeating. I tell myself, “Every day you drove to school and faced the challenges of teaching. You walked into different classrooms of over 30 kids every day and you were not afraid. On the contrary you looked forward to those classes for so many years. Why are you so hesitant to just step out of your bed onto your desk and sit and start writing? Why are you afraid of the blank page? Why won’t you face your own ideas and fears and emotions?” After all:
“To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.” Robert Louis Stevenson