I find it strange how at some point in my existence, my life became so hectic and stressful. I was always doing things. Besides having a full time job, or sometimes even more than one job, I was also taking care of my home and looking after my children. I had such a busy schedule, and so did my husband.
During those times we were living in Dubai, trying to raise two children on our own without help from our families. We were far away from them anyway. Depending only on each other to accomplish everything, we sort of became best friends and completed each other.
Some days I was too tired and honestly didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing. On most such days when I wished aloud for some time for myself, my late husband used to promise that things would get better in the future. He used to say, “Once we send the kids to university, we’ll take some time off our busy schedules and do the things we like and have some fun.”
As the kids grew older things changed for our family. We left the Middle East for good and immigrated to Canada. We settled down in Montreal and my daughter started university. By the time my son was there my husband unfortunately left this world, leaving us and so many unfulfilled dreams behind. Sometimes I think we should have taken Eddie Cantor’s advice and slowed down and enjoyed life while we still could.
“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
Now that I have all the time in the world to do the thing I love most, to write, I find that I have lost my stamina. He was my number one critic but also my driving force. He wished nothing but the best for me and challenged me to create and achieve.
Over the past year I had much time to speculate on my life, my existence, my goals and my dreams, my heartaches, disappointments and despairs. I had too many conversations with myself. Where do I want to go from here? Do I quit teaching, go back to university and take a course or two? Do I continue what we had started? Or do I say goodbye to my old dream and start all over.
During my dark and desperate times, I even tried not to write. After only a week I became so frustrated and angry that the slightest thing my kids did got on my nerves. I knew then that I had to continue what we had started together. I knew I had to live my dream, our dream. As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote:
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.”