Elaine Maxwell wrote:
“Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force.”
I remember when my kids were younger and I was teaching full time all I dreamed about and wished for was some time during the day for myself to read and write. To make that wish come true I decided to wake up early every day and go to bed late. And even though I got tired I was happy. I was doing what I liked to do most.
When I think of that time in my life it seems so very far away. A different life, a different world. Years went by and I finally found myself at home with so much time on my hands.
I was so eager to begin something of my own. I thought I had something definite; staying home and working instead of distracting myself elsewhere. It was supposed to be the beginning of a new form of life for me.
I couldn’t do anything. Strange how when we fail we always find something or someone to blame and when we succeed it is because of us, because of how good or clever or prepared we are. I realized that I had lost interest in the world around me. That I had lost my inner self. That I was in a kind of coma.
And now all I want to do is to escape this state. All I hope to do is to get hold of something concrete again. This feeling, this desire comes over me like panic on some days. I so wish to have some kind of structure in my life. Something within which I can let myself go and be happy again. I dream of having moments of complete immersion, free of sadness, free of panic. Moments where I would feel strong again and be able to endure just about anything.