Why is it that every time I promise myself to look for all that’s good in situations and people around me I feel more depressed than ever? Yesterday I pledged to commit myself to forgetting all the negative and seeing and thinking of all that is positive around me and in my life. I even posted on my blog about it only to wake up this morning feeling crappy again. Something is wrong with me for sure. Since I find fault with myself with everything I do and say. It’s like:
“My voice is so flat. My self is so flat. Well, my inside self. I feel divorced from my own vitality, my own life spark. I feel as though I could run a hand down between my- self and my self, as though some distance exists there between what I used to be and what I am, no bridge between them.” Elizabeth Berg
And when I am in this kind of mood I slow down and stop for a moment and try to breathe. And then I think of how I can turn the negative into positive. I start with a book first. I try to read. If it doesn’t work I start to leaf through my notebooks and read the quotes that I have accumulated over the years. And that usually helps. But today for some reason it didn’t.
It was Richard Dreyfus I think who said in an interview, “When you start complaining about a city you know it’s time to leave and move to another.” What if the thing you complain about is yourself, not the city, not the people. Then what? Do you run away from yourself? Or try to get in touch with your inner self, try to rediscover your old self. That’s what I want to do, to use Elizabeth Berg’s words:
“I want myself back.”
But we all know that at no time in our lives are we the same as we were moments before. We are never, for any two consecutive moments, the same. The Universe is always in motion. Everything around us is moving. We are always moving. Something is always changing in and around us.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” Anaïs Nin
I know I cannot go back and do the things I used to do, or be the person I was because I am not the same anymore. But do I have what it takes to change my life around? Albert Einstein wrote:
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
How can I move from Autumn to Spring then without getting weathered in by our harsh Winter here in Montreal?