Forgive me if I have been dwelling upon the same thoughts and worries a bit too much lately. Whenever I try to write something I can’t help but complain about how blocked I am or how sad or angry I am. And that I want to get out of this dilemma and take control of my existence. Each time I think I am getting closer to putting everything behind and starting anew I am disappointed by my own thoughts and deeds so much so that to use Piero Ferrucci’s words:
“How often- even before we began- have we declared a task “impossible”? And how often have we constructed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate? … A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.”
Trust me when I say I have been trying all the methods I can possibly think of to get me started on my writing. But to no avail. What previously worked for me now seems far more than possible. I have tried my old ritual of starting the day by filling my fountain pen with ink.
I have tried scribbling, jotting down my points and ideas on my notepad. But I stop at that whereas before by the time I was done with my doodling I would be ready at my computer hitting the keys.
I have tried to use different types of pads with different colored paper even though I prefer notepads with white blank paper and no lines. I have even bought myself ink bottles with ink colors like sepia, grey, blue-black, burgundy, green, turquoise, mocha, and bright red. All this to get in touch with and acquire my muse back. Since:
“The most potent muse of all is our inner child.” Stephen Nachmanovitch
I have tried using all the different colors to write with but nothing seems to be working at the moment. It’s as if:
“The Devil himself always seems to get into my inkstand, and I can only exorcise him by pensful at a time.” Nathaniel Hawthorne
I can’t even exorcise him even by a few pensful at a time. I read to get inspired, I prayed, I even took my pencil sharpener from one of the storage boxes, put it on my desk and sharpened a dozen or more pencils, the way Hemingway did before starting his day.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? What else can I do? What do you suggest?