Saturday was an emotional day for me and my family. In fact last week in its entirety was a lot more emotional than any of the weeks before. My son got his engineering Iron Ring on Saturday evening. I was so proud of him and at the same time my heart felt so heavy. I was so emotional thinking of how proud his dad would have been if he had been alive. And I tried my best not to show it and not to cry and to be strong for my son.
After the ceremony and the wine and cheese reception, he accompanied me and my daughter home before joining his friends to celebrate. And it hit me there and then that he has grown so much and turned into a real gentleman. That he has all the qualities his father had, and even more. When did this happen, I asked myself. It was only yesterday that he was just a kid.
I realized then how strong both of them were. That unlike me they did not let their grief and sorrow get the better of them. I felt kind of stupid that I idled my time away. I had focused on my grief and loss for so long that I was no longer in the habit of sitting for hours and working. It’s not that I was bored, I had simply become indifferent, inert. I didn’t feel anything.
Watching the two of them that night I felt my passions come back to me. This struggle, this deceit, to deny my frustrations, to try and keep myself in check, annoyed me. I felt this rebellion rising up in me. And I realized I do not want to live in a kind of stupor anymore, buried in my thoughts and feelings.
Watching my two kids that night I felt serenely happy for the first time in such a long time. And I thought that spring was full of promise, cold, uncomfortable and still dark, but headed toward joy.