“The worst that can be said of a man is that he did not pay attention.” William Meredith
I never used to pay attention. I was always working and striving to do better, to be better. It was always the hope that tomorrow would be better that kept me going. I was too busy working for a better future to notice the present. I never thought that what I had then was my best. And when tomorrow came and I lost my significant other I was lost. I still am. The pain of losing my loved one, my husband and my best friend, is what it took for me to start paying attention to the now.
Now the exact moment that I am in is what matters to me most. I try not to think of the future, a future alone scares me. Old age itself is scary enough. And I try to live each moment as it comes. To use Julia Cameron’s words:
“In times of pain, when the future is too terrifying to contemplate and the past too painful to remember, I have learned to pay attention to right now.”
Maybe the friend who promised to call will never call. Perhaps I will not be able to write another book or find an agent or publisher for it. I may never get the break I deserve or was hoping for. Tomorrow things might even take a turn for the worse.
But right now, at this very moment, I am alive and all is well around me. I am here and the sun hasn’t come out yet and everything is so beautiful around me.
And who knows, tomorrow might turn out to be exactly what I am waiting for! To quote William Meredith:
“Life is some kind of loathsome hag who is forever threatening to turn beautiful.”