Today is the 16th of July. On the 16th of every month I become nervous and jittery. I try not to. But unconsciously, unknowingly, every month around this time I can’t stand myself. I try to busy myself with work. I try to read. I try my best to fight my urge to write about my feelings, my thoughts. But I can’t. It’s hard to ignore my thoughts while my heart tells me the opposite. Leo Tolstoy wrote:
“The strongest of all warriors are these two – time and patience.”
Time and patience. They say time heals all wounds. I don’t think it does. It does not bring back loved ones, nor does it lessen the pain. With every passing day the pain gets bigger and the realization sinks in deeper. The realization of a lonely future ahead, a future without your loved one beside you to make it easier. And what is patience?
Patience – endurance, tolerance, fortitude, serenity, staying power, lack of complaint, persistence.
Of all the above definitions, I choose “lack of complaint”. At some point you stop complaining. Because you realize that there is no point in doing so. What’s the use, you ask yourself. Life goes on whether you like it or not, whether you are ready or not. Nothing changes except you are a day older than yesterday and perhaps happier or sadder or poorer or richer or lonelier.
“Why do we call all our generous ideas illusions, and the mean ones truths?” Edith Wharton
Because by asking all these questions, by putting down on paper all these thoughts I can shake off everything. Believe it or not I can recall everything when I write.
It’s like being on a journey to find my inner self. After I finish writing my sorrows disappear, and my courage is reborn. Then my mind dwells on new thoughts and new ideals and new fantasies. Because as Simone de Beauvoir wrote:
“Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it.”