Lately I have been trying to avoid the internet as much as I can, and especially facebook. I feel that I can’t read another sad story or a friend’s sad status. Cancer seems to be like an epidemic now. It seems that every family has a member (or more) battling cancer, regardless of age.
Even though it’s been two years already since my husband passed away, it still hurts to think of how he battled the disease with such a positive attitude and so much hope. Even the last day on his deathbed he promised us he was coming home.
I on the other hand was paralyzed with fear. Every time I accompanied him to his doctor’s appointment I would be so numb. I would feel like a zombie walking down the corridors of the hospital, not seeing anything except the fear of losing him one day. There is so much I have missed. To quote Paulo Coelho:
“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”
So much I could have done, so much I could have said, but somehow I didn’t. It was as if I wasn’t alive at the time. Was it the uncertainty of the situation, his suffering and struggle, I really can’t say nor will I ever know. I kind of pulled back from life.
John Lennon writes:
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life.”
But on the day he breathed his last breath and the days that followed, I was hurting so much and yet I seemed to be in control of the situation and my emotions. It still seems kind of strange to me.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery writes:
“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”