Year 2014 is almost over. It’s that time of year again. Christmas and holidays around the corner. Two years have passed since the death of my husband and this is the third Christmas without him. Losing someone is hard enough but losing them just before Christmas or right before their birthday is even harder, or so I think.
Julia Cameron writes:
“Art may seem to spring from pain, but perhaps that is because pain serves to focus our attention onto detail.”
The empty chair at the dining table and the pain and emptiness you feel each time you look at it, bringing home the shocking reality of the loss. The pain you feel on his birthday, your first birthday without him, and then the first Christmas, then consequent birthdays and Christmases and holidays. You expect the pain to disappear somehow with time but it never does.
I remember those first days when life made no sense anymore and the world became so meaningless and I was so shocked and so numb. I wondered how we could go on, if we could go on, why we should go on. And somehow I don’t remember how I found a way to simply get through each day. I was in denial.
“There is grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I remember being angry, and so were my kids who kept thinking how unfair and cruel life could be and why things had to turn out this way if there is a God.
How can there be when gunmen enter schools and shoot innocent children? How can there be when we have all these sophisticated weapons to destroy cities and homes and kill people but on the other hand we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet? How can we allow this state of affairs, especially now when we are so advanced in technology and all. I feel paralyzed with anger and perhaps that’s what has stopped me from writing lately. The images of those innocent children.
“The artist’s language is a sensual one. A language of felt experience. The language of art is image, symbol. It is a wordless language even when our very art is to choose it with words.” Julia Cameron