Lately I haven’t been blogging as I used to, or as I would like to. The reason? Well I feel kind of blocked. Not that I have nothing to write about or talk about. On the contrary! Every time I sit at my desk I only think of the one thing, the only thing that hurts me the most and I don’t know where to start from, nor do I know how to deal with the pain.
People have told me that I should move forward, that it’s not good to dwell on things passed. That I should write about happy stuff. But how could I? How could I not talk about him? How could I not say or write about what’s in my heart and stay true to myself? Isn’t good writing based on the truth? Your own truth? Doesn’t all good writing or the best writing come from within the heart and the soul?
If so, how could I then not write about how hard it is to come home to an empty house where no one is waiting for you? An emptiness that wasn’t of your own choosing? How can I not write about how it feels when I wake up in the middle of the night and find the other side of the bed empty. Or how in the evenings, at the dinner table, when the kids talk about their daily routines and achievements, I realize more than ever how empty his chair is. And I swallow hard and try not to break down, and hide my feelings as best I can so that I won’t spoil it for them.
I don’t like it much when people tell me that I should go out, have some fun. Even though I know their intentions are good and they have my well-being at heart. And I try. God knows I try! But on some days I just can’t! And I sit at my desk and stare at the blank page and wait to hear his voice telling me it will be okay, everything will be okay. And when I don’t hear it, the pain grows bigger and bigger until I don’t know how to feel or what to say or where to start. That’s when I leave my desk!
I leave my desk without having written a word. Because honestly I don’t know what to say. Because I don’t know what I like or don’t like anymore! Everything has changed, the world has changed because you, the one person who meant the most to me, are not here anymore. 😥