It is one of those busy mornings again when I have a lot to do and I feel frustrated because I know that I won’t be able to write during the day. Sometimes even thinking about upcoming bills and expenditures causes me to be creatively blocked.
Usually I am a positive person. I am well aware that some things are out of our control and that there is nothing we can do about them except wait. I am a positive person by character and I realize that if I don’t expect anything from anyone I don’t get disappointed or hurt.
During all my school years and even later in university, I don’t remember anyone telling me how to make decisions in my life. Certainly, no one shared with me a process of finding out what I love to do. I have been taught to look to the outside to find answers, to quickly look for alternatives out there and hang on to them.
And I guess I am that kind of person who no matter how well I am doing today I can’t stop worrying about tomorrow. Maybe because I have lived most of my life in the Middle East where there is no political stability. And when we finally moved to Canada to provide a better life for my kids, I lost my husband to cancer and with that I lost that social, financial and economical stability I needed to feel safe.
Maybe I am the kind of person who really values having that security that really allows me to be happy, and lets me concentrate on enjoying every part of my life. Because right now I am worrying about what’s next and I just don’t like it. This confusion hinders my creativity and I find myself constantly blocked.
And yes, I get very depressed sometimes. I know I have to step back and take a look at myself. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Or do I take the advice of the so many great writers before me and try to put words on the page no matter what. Sarah Harrison writes:
“Yes, I got very depressed at times. But it doesn’t all just happen.
You have to keep driving yourself to put words on paper. It’s the point I’m making to these would-be writers I’m talking to at the moment. Writers say they find it difficult to achieve the ’flow’ so I genuinely think covering the paper is the most important thing, because if you make yourself write a page, then suddenly, halfway down the second page, you find you’ve written a couple of paragraphs that do flow, and you did not notice it happen.
My advice to any aspiring author is, I think, not to stop writing. I think people put their all into one short thing and send it off and wait for the result, instead of immediately writing something else. I know it sounds terribly banal, but if you keep the muscle working, it’s better.”
I guess I have to keep that muscle working no matter what.