It was thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. A day to spend with family and loved ones.
Ever since my husband passed away almost three years ago, every day is thanksgiving for me. As painful as the experience was for us, my kids and I, we are much stronger today because of it.
Last week I watched a television interview with Ali MacGraw and Ryan O’Neal, stars of the movie Love Story. When the interviewer asked them, “How does it feel to lose a loved one?” they both answered, sad. That’s how I feel most of the time now, sad. No matter where I am or what I do, I feel an emptiness that can never be filled, no matter what.
I mean, I am so grateful for the two wonderful and most precious people in my life, my kids. I am so grateful for my family, my mom, my brothers and their families, my aunts and uncles who, even though they are miles away, check in on me and my kids on a daily basis to make sure we are okay.
I feel I am more appreciative of the things I have and especially of the people in my life. I am a much calmer person now, and no matter how busy my life gets sometimes I make sure I find the time to listen to my kids, to talk to my family, to listen to the birds sing, to watch the squirrels climb the tree, to notice the leaves change color, to watch the sunrise and the sunset.
I see the world as a beautiful place and my life as the biggest gift that I have. Even though some nights when I place my head on the pillow and think of him, of all the things that he is missing, I feel a sadness so overwhelming that I swallow hard to keep the tears from running. Because no matter how our kids have grown and have become successful and exceptional human beings, no matter how great they have turned out to be, he would never know, would he? He would never know what people tell me about how great his art is. He would never know.
Yet he was lucky. We were lucky, to experience the great love that we had and a life filled mostly with love and laughter and happiness. Others don’t even have that.
Because of that love I am a much calmer person now and when I sit at my desk and get an empty page to write I feel engulfed with this serenity and all I want to do is write about the beauty that surrounds me, about the life we had and how simple and beautiful it was.
I don’t remember who it was who said we are born to die, and it is up to us to fill the time in between. Even though I lost my old me and the world in which my loved one lived, I lost our world together, life is still good. It is the most precious gift that we are ever given and even if everything else goes wrong, to be alive alone is something to be thankful for.
Hope you have a great week.