Every time I think about my blog I get all these ideas in my head. Somehow I want to include all and write about everything. But then I hold back and hesitate. I ask myself, Will people be interested in my story? Just because I like hearing and reading about others doesn’t mean they want to know about me! What if no one will read it, then what? Does it really matter?
It’s the same dilemma I face each time as I get pulled in two opposite directions. The first one is that I like to write down everything I feel and think. To quote Hemingway:
“My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.”
The second is that I try to forget my tragedy or loss and write about something else. But then how can I forget my personal tragedy when everything around me reminds me of him?
A few days ago I had to wait in some waiting room. There were lots of people in that room, and the place was really crowded. Most of them were older than me. Early in the morning before leaving the house I made this promise to myself that no matter what lay ahead of me, I’d just go and get it done with. I also promised not to be affected emotionally.
I was okay in the beginning but as I sat there waiting I couldn’t help but think about him. The many times we sat together in different waiting rooms. The things he used to tell me, like:
“Wouldn’t it be nice to grow old together? Imagine us, old and still together doing things.”
That morning I could hear his voice as clearly as if he was talking to me. I looked at the empty chair beside me and swallowed hard. Because yesterday, as well as every yesterday since March this year, and even before, I needed him most to be with me in those waiting rooms.
When I think back now I wonder where I got the courage to face it all alone from. My children, their devotion, and the love and the support I received from my family on a daily basis even though we are miles and miles apart, surely were reasons for me to face any crisis with courage and patience. I’m so blessed to have them in my life and be surrounded with their love.
June and July were at some point the happiest months in my life because of our engagement and wedding anniversaries that have now turned into sweet memories. My children have their birthdays in June and July. It’s at times like this that I think about what Hemingway said:
“Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it- don’t cheat with it.”
So all those times that I think of writing something else I feel like I’m hiding my true feelings. So forgive me readers if I keep coming back to that same hurt, because doing otherwise would be cheating with the truth, with my truth.
Speaking of another truth, why are some people being so weird on twitter lately? Have you noticed the latest trend with some twitter followers?
I am on twitter since 2011, @chichikir. Thankfully I have my share of followers, and those that I follow. (My general rule is to follow those who follow me.) For the last few months or so, I noticed some followers have unfollowed not just me, but unfollowed everyone. So basically they have reduced the number of people they follow to zero people.
I have people who I follow, like J.K. Rowling, Noam Chomsky… The truth is if you are not someone I look up to, if you are not Rowling, or Oprah, or the Dalai Lama, or the pope, to name just a few, why would I keep following you if you have stopped following me?
I use the app who.unfollowed.me to find out my unfollowers. And I automatically unfollow those accounts.
Have you come across such an event? Check it out and judge for yourself.