It’s a beautiful day outside. A bit breezy but really beautiful.
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night. In my dream I was being chased and attacked and I was screaming for help but there was no one around me. My screams woke me and afterwards try as hard as I could sleep wouldn’t come. I felt so vulnerable and lay awake wishing and praying that the night would pass quickly.
On nights like last night I wonder if I shall ever get over this feeling of blank hopelessness. And on such nights a strong feeling of loss overwhelms me.
It’s a beautiful day outside. It’s the first week of autumn and it’s cold. I look out my window and see the evergreen tree standing tall and alone but triumphant. The different shades of green, with the sun shining on some branches. Such a lovely sight. I think of all the winters and summers, all the seasons that it has stood there throughout the years, against all odds, growing taller and looking simply beautiful.
I realize that I have also lived my dream life intensely while it lasted, though it didn’t have to end this way. I realize that I had gotten farther in life than most people are lucky enough to get. It’s been almost four years now since my husband passed away, sometimes I still get upset and angry, and think that whatever happened was not fair, not right. Not for him, not for me, not for us. But who am I to question? Who am I to judge?
This past year has been kind of dark, nightmarish and confusing for me. Each time I faced a challenge, I became aware of how vulnerable I was, of how vulnerable we each are. Afterwards I felt this emptiness inside of me that never left me. And that hurts.
Looking back, I cannot believe I made it so far especially when on some days my courage left me. And I have to admit at some point I even considered accepting defeat. And on those days there was nothing I wished for than to have him around. To have him walk through the door and tell me that “everything is going to be okay.” But I pulled through thanks to my kids and my family.
I realize now how important family is. How important it is to be loved and have people around me to support me. Even on days when I want to be left alone but they won’t let me, because they care. I realize how lucky and blessed I am to have them in my life. And for that alone I am forever grateful.
Mitch Albom writes:
“This is part of what a family is about, not just love. It’s knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work.”