Yesterday morning after everyone left to work I sat at my desk to write. But first I had to tidy my desk since there were a few books piled up on it. So I took them to the sitting room and put them back on the library shelves in their proper places.
Back at my desk, I decided also to check my email one last time before I put my laptop away. Then of course I convinced myself to sign in on Facebook just for a few minutes. As usual I got carried away, until a notice at the right corner of my home page caught my attention. It read: “You Haven’t Posted in 17 Days.”
And I thought, already! How did that happen? Am I back to my old habit of procrastination? I promised myself to blog often and yet I didn’t write anything for 17 days. That’s not good. Because it means I haven’t done much with my life and my time other than to reflect, think and contemplate.
By nature I am a blind optimist, or at least I was. On most days now when I sit at my desk to write I procrastinate and indulge in thoughts and daydreams, wondering if I could have had a different life. But somehow or other I have come to realize that this was my path in life no matter what happened or how things turned out to be.
When I think of how blind I have been to take anything that came my way or was given to me for granted, including my life, I shudder.
Sometimes I wonder, amidst all my past mishaps, was it ever possible to fight my destiny? Was it possible to follow a different path than the one I was destined for? Or do we always become what we are meant to be, not what we think we want to be, nor what we strive to be.
They say freedom comes with a high price tag. So true. Because now I have all the time in the world to read and write. Everything about the present and the future seems so blurry for me. To be honest on most days I don’t know what I want, I don’t even know what I am looking for. I am free yes, but at what price?
According to Julia Cameron, personal drama is the enemy of art. She writes:
“There are two uses for drama. We can use it to distract ourselves from work or we can use it to fuel our work.”
The day that I don’t work, I am a miserable creature. The best cure for my misery is to work. If I can avoid drama I am better off. But how can I do that when drama is all around me and the world we live in is so stressful.
Writing every day is my only protection against depression and loneliness. If I don’t write I lose my optimism, my well being. And I become lonely and miserable. But when I write, at the end of the day I carry the lives of my characters into my own life. And I feel so rich and happy. I am not alone anymore.
Then again, absenting myself from my page, not only do I lose contact with them but these ugly feelings begin creeping up my spine and I am filled with doubts and uncertainties. And the moment I hold my pen and start scribbling, all these senseless thoughts and fears, all this pointlessness and emptiness, vanish from my life.
I don’t want to fight my destiny, whatever is meant to be will be. I can’t plan my life as it is already planned for me by someone bigger or by some higher power. I can only change my circumstances. I have come to realize early on that by writing I know I am doing what I was meant to do.
Eckhart Tolle writes:
“You can improve your life situation but you cannot improve your life. Life is primary. Life is your deepest inner Being. It is already whole, complete, perfect. Your life situation consists of your circumstances and your experiences. There is nothing wrong with setting goals and striving to achieve things. The mistake lies in using it as a substitute for the feeling of life, for Being.”