Today is my late husband’s birthday. It is already the fifth birthday we celebrate without him. Today he would have been sixty-two years old. God only knows how much we need him, how much I need him beside me now more than anything.
Nothing in the world prepares you for something like this. You fall in love, you get married and you think you will spend the rest of your lives together. And then tragedy strikes. Suddenly your life changes and you find yourself all alone. And that hurts no matter what.
Deep down you have all these dreams nestled somewhere inside of you and you don’t know what to do with them. These dreams are not only yours but his too. How can you carry them when there is only you after thirty plus years of togetherness?
When my husband passed away four years ago it came as a shock for us, even though he had cancer and was fighting for his life. At the time and for a while after I felt paralyzed. I kept asking myself questions like Why? Why are we here? Why am I here? What’s my life about? What’s my purpose in life? Do I have a mission in this life? If yes then what is it? Do we love to lose? Do we live to die? What’s the truth? What’s my truth? The question that kept popping in my head relentlessly was, “What’s the point of all of this?”
There was this void, this emptiness inside of me that kept growing and getting bigger and bigger with the passing of each day. I felt more helpless and vulnerable than ever before. I wasn’t alone thanks to my kids and my family who surrounded me with their love and support, and who continue to do so to this day. But I was lonely and deep inside I felt frozen. I needed answers to my questions.
At some point life became so overwhelming that I felt I couldn’t breathe and needed help, just so I could get up on my feet and start breathing again. I went for counseling and met a few interesting people who introduced me to a different type of literature. A new line of books that I have to admit, had I not experienced what I did, I wouldn’t have read or bought on my own, not at this point and time in my life.
Being a blogger and a writer I felt blocked, I was blocked. Whenever I took pen in hand to write, my thoughts went to him and the immensity of my loss. Three months before losing him I had lost my friend, the only good friend I had here in Montreal, to a heart attack.
Suddenly this new place we had recently moved to start a new life seemed to me as this remote place that swallowed my loved ones. All my thoughts and writings focused on my losses and my loneliness. I saw myself as a victim of my fate, my destiny. I desired nothing other than to spend my days within the walls of my room.
Because I felt lost. I felt that I had wasted so much time and so much of my life thinking of past regrets, imagining future problems, puzzling over current troubles and choices. And I felt that I totally and completely missed the present, the now, while days and weeks and years passed by. I sensed that Montreal had lost its charm for me and I so wanted to change that. I had to change so I could be at peace with myself and feel at home again.
During one of my visits to the clinic I met an interesting young woman who introduced me to Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. I bought the book the same day and started reading. One book led to another and ever since that day I’ve been reading and studying all kinds of inspirational and spiritual books that could help me rediscover my authentic self.
Recently there was a book sale at our public library and I went and bought as many as I could lay my hands on. I was lucky to get some of the books in mint condition even. After reading a few, I started to notice similarities in the ideas and the text. That’s when it occurred to me that perhaps I should write about them in my upcoming blogs.
Needless to say I am no literary expert. I am not a critic, but I can observe and connect and that’s what I will try to do. Make observations and leave it to you to decide. You’re welcome to join the conversation with me to let me know if you agree or disagree, and add your valued opinion and comments.
Until then I wish you all the best.