Another night of insomnia has worked its magic on me. Exhausted my mind jumps from worry to worry, from one thought to another. To stay calm emotionally, I have to guard myself against despair. And when I find myself lying in bed awake at night, when I feel anxious and sort of lost and sleep won’t come, like tonight, I tell myself all will be well but I bet my mind doesn’t believe this.
My mind is always flooded by a million different thoughts. I constantly worry about anything and everything. It’s really frustrating. It tires me out. I just don’t have peace of mind. I remember a time when I wasn’t this tense. Maybe because my late husband was there to share and lift the burden off my shoulders. It seems like it was such a long time ago even though the day before yesterday, Friday the 16th, marked the sixth anniversary of his death. So much has happened since then.
Sometimes when I am too overcome by life, extremely swamped by responsibilities and the expectations of others, I become so distraught, so stressed and exhausted. Even my horoscope a few days ago from my phone app read:
“You may be feeling overwrought or overwhelmed by life’s challenges lately. You can handle it of course, because you are a pragmatic individual who faces life and deals with it no matter how tough it gets. But even you can succumb to stress and tension now and then.”
Feeling undermined the way I am, I start wishing for some external power or some magic to help me face my fears and get me out of the dire situation I am in. And tonight is no different. I toss and turn hoping and wishing for a miracle, for some kind of a break that may never come.
One of my biggest problems in life has always been to let go. Bearing in mind what I have been through during these last three years, I feel beaten, and focusing my energies on the negatives, I have become creatively blocked. I cannot control the outer world but I try as best as I can to control the inner world I live and create in, in order to maintain my state of well-being and stay physically well and healthy.
It’s being in the heart of things that is tricky for me. And right now I am determined to throw off the influences of any unfortunate environment and to put my own life in order. That’s the least I can do to move forward. Hence I need some place safe and quiet in which to dream and work and still keep my calm.
I crave a sheltered, harmless, stress-free, critic-free, and gossip-free environment. I have a few friends who know what I am going through and understand me and my needs. I try to only talk to people who encourage me and make me feel good about myself and avoid those who are negative and make me feel like I am a failure. I try to take it easy and live a simple life and move forward a little at a time, one baby step at a time. And when I begin to slide into despair, I know it is because I have lost my sense of grounding.
Robert M. Pirsig wrote:
“Peace of mind isn’t at all superficial, really. It’s the whole thing. That which produces it is good maintenance; that which disturbs it is poor maintenance.”
As always in times of trouble, reading and writing have been my saving grace. And even now when my life seems to be roughly out of control, I still try to put words on my page. I know from my experience that if I could just write through these difficult times steadily enough, one word at a time, one sentence at a time, one page at a time, one day at a time, life would calm back down.
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”