“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” Lemony Snicket
I lost two loved ones last month. My aunt Lucy, my mom’s younger sister, died suddenly on the 9th of February. Her death was so unexpected and her loss so great for us all, and especially for my mom. My mom died of a broken heart twelve days later on the 21st of February. Not a moment has passed since then that I haven’t missed them both. Not a night has gone by that I haven’t cried myself to sleep.
I admit I’m still in some kind of shock. It’s heartbreaking to lose a loved one, let alone two, within such a short time. I still question how and why. How did this happen? Why both? I search for answers but can’t find any.
You know the saying that everything happens for a reason? In my mind I am convinced that this is what happened and maybe it’s for the best, but my heart tells me something else. I can’t help but feel angry. Angry at myself that I lived so far away and I hadn’t seen them in a long time, even though we talked every day. Angry that I wasn’t there to give them a hug, cover their lovely faces with my kisses, hold their hands and tell them how much I loved them and that they both meant the world to me.
As the days pass by, my feelings of sadness, hurt, and loneliness get stronger. During this last month and weeks I feel like I am spinning in and out of uncontrollable emotions. One minute I am sad, the next I am empty and depressed and crying my heart out. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross claims that the depressive state is not a mental illness, it’s a response to a great loss.
I remember the exact moment I received the sad news each time. The hardest thing is when the life of a person you love stops suddenly and you are left to put the pieces together. Strange how a feeling of panic hits you when you realize the reality of the situation. You become aware of the fact that they are gone and it’s final. You become aware of the shortness of time, of an unfulfilled dream, of a wish not granted, like on my part the wish to see them once more. You feel sadder than ever and try to accept the fact. You think you will be okay but the truth of the matter is, you won’t.
As always when I am in trouble and overwhelmed with sadness I isolate myself from my surroundings. That’s the only way I know how to heal. Being alone is my way of adjusting to my world of loss. I feel helpless with people who don’t understand me. I don’t want my feelings to be exposed especially when I am grieving.
And I turn inwards to try to understand the meaning of all this. I find myself filled with so many memories, so many stories, so many treasured moments, and of course so many questions that are all trying to surface. Tears, pain, crying, despair that cannot be stopped nor reasoned with. The only way I can capture all of these is by putting them down on paper. And on days like this I can only put words on my page. Words that once written could help me leave those feelings behind… or so I wish. And by doing so I try to find myself after all has been lost.
Dearest aunt (morkour) how I wish more than anything to hear your voice once more as I wish I had more time with you to tell you how much you meant to me. You were the dearest and nearest person to me and I loved you so very much. Growing up I looked up to you. You inspired me in more ways than you can imagine and later on you became my best friend. What we had was very special and sweet and irreplaceable. You were my special person and I think deep down you knew that. Now that you are gone I feel kind of lost. You were so giving always, ready to help your loved ones no matter what. I miss hearing your sweet voice, your encouraging words. I miss your smile, your liveliness, your optimism, and your prayers. You were there for me every step of the way and I couldn’t even be there to pay my final respect. I am forever grateful for your love, for your support, for knowing you and having you in my life. I think of you every moment of every day and I will always remember you for as long as I live and for as long as it is possible for me to do so.
Dearest mom you always told me that when you die I shouldn’t leave my family and travel all that distance for you because you won’t even feel it. But I wish I could have done so. It hurts to know that I wasn’t there to pay my final respect to you both after all that you two have done for me, for my husband, for my kids, for my family.
Dearest mom you left us unexpectedly without me being able to tell you once more how much I love you, how much I miss you. I miss hearing your voice, your loving words, your blessings and your prayers. I miss hearing your voice telling me all will be okay. Thanks to you I am the person I am today. Your sacrifice to your family and loved ones was so great. You inspired me to be a good mother to my children, you never tired of giving. You were always there for me. Every time I faced a difficulty it was you who gave me courage to go on. Words are not enough to express my gratitude for what you have taught me, for all you have done for me, for us, for all the sacrifices you have made so that I can be where I am today. It’s hard to go on knowing you are not in this world. I miss your hugs, your love and your giving and caring nature. Love you forever.
I know I will never find an ending to this grief. The feeling of a loss never goes away. Sarah Dessen writes:
“You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.”
If it’s any consolation we have two more guardian Angels in heaven watching over us just like they did here on earth. The world and this life will never be the same again now that you’re both gone. You will always be in our hearts. We miss you both so much. We will always love you both and will never forget you.
Rest in peace my Angels.